Apparently, the end of pregnancy involves learning things like patience. About two weeks ago, the baby dropped, and things started getting less comfortable. A little over a week ago, I had my first experience of “wow that hurts” for several hours that made me wonder if that was labor. And now… well… the crampiness and soreness continue, the intense “is this a contraction” back pain has been coming and going, and I usually think I am in labor about once a day.

I am trying to learn to find a little peace in the wait that is coming.

Last Friday was the oddest day on record. After several days of feeling downright crappy, I woke up feeling good. I wasn’t in pain! I went to work and got things done! I had this moment of “it’s ok, I can be pregnant for longer, I got this!” Then an hour or two later, I had intense pain in my back with period-like cramps in the front. The pain didn’t come and go, but it also wasn’t relieved by changing positions, as over the course of the next several hours I tried different chairs, positions, walking, sitting, leaning, and at one point trying to prop my keyboard up on a precarious stack of books in the idle hope I could keep working while standing up. I ended up going home, until I had this moment when sitting backwards on a chair that suddenly the pain went away. I already had made an appointment to stop by the obgyn, and so showed up feeling dang stupid that I was there for a labor check and was now not in pain–for the record they were very gracious about it. I have made some “progress,” if you can call it that, and am now 2cm dilated and 80% effaced–so I’m trying to tell myself that these pains aren’t for nothing. 

The problem is that this “am I in labor or not” question is really not good for my mental state. If I could keep saying “it will be several more weeks” and believe it, then I could move through life much more smoothly. But going back and forth makes it very hard to wait. “Maybe today” is a dangerous thought.

For now, I’m trying to hold off asking the question. I am less than two weeks from my due date, and I know that due to the gestational diabetes, the doctors are unlikely to let me go past 40 1/2 weeks. In the scheme of life, a little over two weeks to wait for labor isn’t much at all. So here’s hoping that I can spend that time in a positive place, being grateful for this pregnancy and this life inside me, and appreciating days rather than wishing them away.