At the beginning, when I first found out about the pregnancy, I had a lot of big and deep questions about what this meant. Wait, I’m really going to be a parent? Wait, this is really real? Is this really real?

Strangely, as the questions about “realness” have been put more at ease, they were replaced instead with “how will I get through the rest of today?” With nausea and fatigue, my capacity to think thoughts about this pregnancy were reduced to the significant question of if there was any food I could contemplate eating. In terms of my time horizon, I could do ok at work, but beyond that I couldn’t really think beyond the next thing I would eat and if I needed to take a nap.

I guess the exception to this has been incessant internet searching about pregnancy. How on earth were people pregnant when there weren’t week-by-week things to look at and learn the babies current size? How else could you picture your little fig/lime/kumquat (and if you know those are in the wrong order, welcome to the club). Also if you’re a worrier, there’s lots of places to feel like your putting your worry. Exactly how many times have I looked up this study for reassurance after our 8 week ultrasound? Confession: a lot.

I guess now that I have a glimmer of feeling better, I’m realizing how many of these big questions and wonderings, I’ve been funneling into these small worries. Life is going to change and is already changing, and I’d like to be present for it rather than wasting my days in internet research. When you have the inside view on a miracle, you don’t want to miss it, right?

So I don’t know. Now that my body is allowing it, I’m trying to picture how to make space in my life for something deeper. Because these fears and hopes are real, and probably more important than figuring out stroller types this far in advance… Probably.

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