Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support of my pregnancy. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of week six! It’s still too early for me to wrap my mind around all of this, but luckily there is plenty of time for that.

What I didn’t share in my post was that only about two hours after my faint positive test, I got a devastating call from the foundation that has supported my work for the last four years. Regrettably, the amount of funding they will have available for us will be reduced for 2015. This news came just months after we were told by them to “Dream Big!”

Nothing is ever certain, really. I’m a planner, so this truth is especially unnerving. But, to get two life-altering pieces of news in the same day? That would be enough emotional overload to bring the most spontaneous free-spirit to her knees. Given all of this, it’s been hard to tell which symptoms I’m experiencing (insomnia, upset stomach, frequent tears, fatigue) are from the pregnancy and which are from the work news. One thing I know is for certain: I have completely lost motivation to keep busting my butt at work. For so long it was a source of great joy, and now it feels like a burden. I ask myself, what was the point of sacrificing myself for something that might go caput in 10 months?

I’ve shuddered at the thought of giving birth in October, losing my livelihood at the end of December, and attempting to search for a job some weeks later at my most exhausted and depleted. Fortunately, it wouldn’t be an issue of financial stability. We’d take a hit, but we would be ok for awhile. More than that, I’ve thought about my own sanity and need to be engaged in meaningful work. I’ve thought of Cheryl Sandberg in Lean In talking about how it’s important for a pregnant woman to have a job she loves and wants to return to in order to make that transition back to work easier.

A few days ago a colleague sent me an amazing job opportunity at her organization and urged me to apply. In reading the description, it is perfect fit for me and would be a natural step career-wise. I’ve been googling “applying for jobs when pregnant.” Ugh, none of this feels ideal, you know? The real sticking point is it would probably mean a move to New York City, not the place I imagined living as a married person, much less raising a kid.

Everything feels disrupted, uneasy. And all I want to do is make that feeling to go away as fast as possible.

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