When I approached mannacakepie about joining the blog, I told her that I wanted to add a voice of someone not yet pregnant but hoping to be.  I wanted to focus my posts on all of the anxiety and  hopefulness of my journey of trying to conceive (a.k.a. lots and lots of temperature taking, cervical fluid observing, intercourse timing, and blood fearing). Not even a week ago, I wrote about the incredible amount of vulnerability I feel about the entire process.

I guess you could say that I’ve been preparing myself for disappointment–that I wouldn’t be able to conceive, that my  husband’s sperm would have some kind of motility issues, that due to work travel, I would never be able to time sex right, etc.. I mentally gave myself six months of trying before contacting my doctor about fertility testing, but in the back of my mind, I just knew that it would come to that. Quite a defense mechanism, I would say.

Well, wouldn’t you know…

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One round of giving it the ole’ college try, and I got myself pregnant. (My husband helped a little.)

When I bought a batch of ovulation test strips (which I actually never got to use!) last month, I got a bunch of pregnancy tests along with it. The first time I peed on one at about 10 days post ovulation, I told myself it was because I wanted to figure out how they worked. You’ve got to love self-justification. It was negative as was the test I took two days later. I told myself that I was going to wait until my period was at least two days late, but on Friday I broke down and tested again. After five minutes, I got the faintest of faint lines that required squinting to see. I immediately sent pics to mannacakepie and another close friend to verify that there was something and not nothing. They agreed but obviously couldn’t verify that I was actually pregnant.

Then I took to the Internet, which was quite possibly the worst thing I could do. Do you know about evap lines? I didn’t. There were claims that these testing strips were bogus. I even searched for the specific lot number and folks were adamant that they were getting false positives. The uncertainty got to me, so I marched myself to the nearest drugstore to get a more “reliable” (aka fancy and expensive) test. I considered buying the store brand version, but I figured this was probably one of the few times in life it was better not to cheap out. With a full bladder and a mind racing a mile a minute, I peed on a stick for the second time that day, only to be horrified by the “not pregnant” result.

Say, what?! Wasn’t this supposed to be ultra-sensitive to hCG? Needless to say, it took the wind out of my sails, and I set aside the cutesy plans I had for telling my husband we were pregnant. I considered not sharing the faint positive with him at all, but after some crappy things happened professionally, I needed to share something good. We squinted together and agreed that in all likelihood, I was pregnant. I snapped a pic of my pee stick from earlier and put it up on a website, asking for feedback from other trying-to-conceive-ers. 90% said that it looked positive. And with this morning’s digital test, I knew it was true. I’m officially pregnant!

I’ve never felt such mixed emotions about something. I have jumped from fear and anxiety to joy and anticipation, for which the hormones are partly responsible. I’ve had moments of panicky “do I really want this?!” float through my mind.  The tears have been ever present. Just yesterday we watched a really over-the-top video about birthing centers, and all of the pictures with women and their babies had me close to losing it.

This morning I was listening to a Meditation Oasis podcast. The speaker shared that meditation does not involved achieving anything, even  quieting the mind or slowing down thoughts, but meditation is about observing thoughts and realizing that there is always a stillness and quiet behind them. She said, “Let thoughts be a meaningless activity in the mind.” Glorious! My thoughts can be totally meaningless, which is a relief to someone having wacky ones here and there. I can give myself permission to notice my thoughts without taking them too seriously. And with all of the craziness swirling around in my head, that could bring some serious mental relief. Instead of trying to keep myself from thinking so much about this new pregnancy, I will try to show myself compassion and not take any of the individual thoughts too seriously. I hope this will make space for calm and stillness at least until the morning sickness kicks in.

Oh yeah, and if you are looking for a new strategy for getting pregnant, may I suggest becoming a contributor to this blog? We are 2 for 2!

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