First of all, I’m so thrilled to have readyformaybe as a partner on this blog–sharing her journey of discernment, waiting, and reflection on pursuing parenthood. 

For us here, we just passed the 8 week/9week mark, and it’s been fascinating to find how my thoughts have changed. Somewhere around the 1 month mark after finding out I was pregnant, I started to actually believe that it was true. It sounds funny, but for most of that first month, I really felt like I was “kinda” pregnant. For each of the people I told during that time, I felt tempted to follow up with a “but we’ll see” or “but it’s really early on.” As I reflect, I think it was both because of fears about miscarriage and that mentally I didn’t quite believe it yet. Even though I was feeling crummy, that feeling just seemed like a floating thing, not something to be counted on. And who knows maybe I was making up the symptoms anyway. Pregnancy seemed so big and so final, and I really wasn’t quite certain it was true yet. Like it could be something that I had made up or could be taken away at a moment’s notice.

The last two weeks, I’ve been noticing how reality has been setting into my bones–how I can think or talk about the pregnancy without provisos. I’ve started thinking about the upcoming months with more certainty–I will be so many months pregnant on that date. And thinking more about my symptoms without apology. No, I’m not making this up, I really do feel this crummy.

All of this kind of came to a head last Monday at the 8-week appointment. We got to talk to the doctor and get lots of questions answered. We got to see the little thing on a screen–moving around with these little wiggly arms and legs. I had thought that it would be the heartbeat that would get me, but it was those arms and legs–like it was a little dancing gummy bear. I kept saying out loud “It’s a being!” which apparently others heard as “it’s a bean!.” But I meant, a being–it exists! There is a brand new being with existence inside of me! How amazing is that?

And I have a due date. September 4th. It’s what I thought it would be, but now I’m not answering “early September, we’ll see.” My due date is September 4th.

So here I am, sitting with this really real. I’m pregnant.