I have been struggling with being legitimately pregnant. I am in my 5th week of pregnancy, with random symptoms that comes and goes like nausea and odd abdominal tugging. I officially won’t be drinking alcohol for the foreseeable future. And for some reason I feel some ambivalence if this pregnancy really counts, or if it’s too early. I mean, some people don’t even find out they are pregnant until week six! Am I psyching myself into symptoms? Am I making a bigger deal of this than it is?

I guess this is coming to a head because in the next few weeks, I will be seeing both friends and family, and it makes sense to share the news with them. I live at a distance from those who are dearest to me–it’s how life and jobs have taken us as a couple. And amazingly, I have a trip next week to see some dear colleagues, and in two weeks to see family and friends who have known me forever. It’s a treat, I usually only see these folks once or twice a year. So if I want to tell them in person, this is my chance.

Well, and to be honest about my trip next week, since our ritual every time we get together is to share a bottle of wine, it is unlikely to get through the week without them guessing!

I have been trying to put into words why I feel so ambivalent about saying good news out loud. It’s not that I’d be afraid to tell them about a miscarriage. They are all such kind and gentle people, that would feel that loss with me. It’s more that I almost feel like I’m jumping the gun to say I’m pregnant in the first place. I know this is silly. I have two positive tests, a nonexistent period, sore boobs, and a completely uncharacteristic aversion to morning coffee to say otherwise. I feel like I’m being presumptuous to say that I’m pregnant so early on. Like I’m not legitimately pregnant.

Maybe it’s more that I think I’m protecting myself. I can be a worrywart, and really do fear something happening. My family has also known infant loss. One of my cousins died of SIDS and another suffered a stillbirth at 9 months. They were absolutely heartbreaking events for my family, and even thinking of it now, I think of the pain that the mothers must have felt and am amazed at how life has continued for them. We know that a healthy pregnancy is not a given, and how much more so when folks recommend keeping things a secret, because of risk.

But if I were to become “not pregnant” at this point, it would be a change, a loss. As much as I joked about Schrodinger’s Pregnancy while waiting to hear news, at this point there isn’t ambivalence. At this moment, I am actually pregnant. It’s early, but the pregnancy part is real. And no one would say “you phony, it’s too early.” They would express things like joy and congratulations.

It almost seems like too much to hope for: actually being pregnant. I always thought of becoming a mother as a maybe, not a certainty. And when I let the fact of being pregnant sweep over me, it just seems like too much joy, too surreal to be true. Like you tempt fate with that much joy.

We’ll see. I fly tomorrow and I’ll try to play it by ear and circumstance, if I feel comfortable saying the words “I’m pregnant” out loud.