(as a side note–haven’t told the family that is staying with me yet. We’ll see! So many thoughts).

Several years ago, I was working in a job with hospice–on the feelings side, not the medical side. Over the course of that time, I was present with two people when they died. Once, it was me and her brother in the room. The second time, I was alone with the patient when he died. For both times, death seemed so slow until it was final. Long stretches between breaths, and then you realize wait–that was the last one. The last breath has already happened.

For me, as a non-medical professional, this moment was surreal. I knew that something had changed, but didn’t trust my own knowing. It can’t really be true–that this person that was just a moment ago–now is not? How can I say the word “died” because that sounds so final? For me, it was this long drawn out moment when this huge portentous thing has happened, and you don’t dare say it out loud.

That has what it has been for me since seeing two lines before dinner last night. I had a glass of wine poured for the meal, that when it came time to eat, I didn’t drink it.

I took another test this morning–and yup, still there. 

I called the medical office this morning. “What is the purpose for this appointment?” “A positive pregnancy test”

This is when I learned several things about this practice. I’m not allowed to keep seeing the nurse practitioner who I actually know, I’m required to see an ObGyn, who I’ve never met. Also, they don’t schedule your first prenatal appointment until you are at 8 weeks. 

So in case you are wondering, that would mean not being seen by a medical professional for another month.

 

This is killing me. Because what I really need right now, is someone who can shepherd me out of this moment. This time when I know a truth, but it feels too big to say out loud. Someone who has the authority to say “yes, you are pregnant.”

These are my needs as a woman who has seen two lines.

  1. I need someone who is an authority to say the sentence outloud
  2. I need to have a person to tell me what I’m supposed to do–now that this is real. 
  3. I need to have a person who is wise to help tell me the difference between floating fears and real concerns

Because at the moment I feel vulnerable, and amazed, and I love my partner, but I’m wondering when this floating reality will sink in…

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